The Lovesong Writer

A woman had a fight with her husband so she ended up walking on the beach, fuming, while her husband was in the city.

As she walked along the shoreline, she noticed something gleaming in the water so she walked over and picked it up.

It was a magical lamp. So she began rubbing it and poof out came the genie.

“I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman smiled, “Ok I want-”

“Wait. I’m just going to let you know. Whatever you wish for, your husband receives double.”

“What?!” the woman screamed. “That is SO NOT FAIR!!!!!”

The woman thought about it and finally decided. She really needed some things anyway, “I want a million dollars.”

poof

In front of her appeared a million dollars, but somewhere in the city, two million dollars appeared before her husband.

“I also want a mansion.”

poof

Right there on the beach was a nice mansion overlooking the sea, but somewhere in the city, her husband received two mansions.

“Wait, so whatever I wish for, my husband receives double?”

“The genie nodded.”

“Ok then. Genie, I want you to scare me half to death.”

***

A pastor died and went to heaven.

When got there, he was given a mansion. A really nice mansion. Nice and big, and very well furnished.

An angel was giving him a tour of heaven, he saw that a taxi driver had a castle.

Turning to the angel he asks, “Why does a taxi driver have a castle while I have only a mansion?”

“Well,” The angel responded. “Tell me. What happened when you preached.”

“People were saved! Well... some people left... and some people... slept... but still! Some people were saved!” the Pastor answered.

The angel shrugged and said, “Yes, when you preached, people slept. But let me tell you, when this guy drove, everyone prayed.”

***

A man was interested in purchasing a horse, so when he saw the sign “HORSE FOR SALE” on a church, he immediately went in and bought it.

Walking out and talking with the pastor, the elderly man blessed him and helped him onto the horse, “Now sonny, before you can ride, you need to know the commands for this horse.”

“To make it trot just say ‘Hallelujah.’ To make it gallop, say ‘Praise the Lord,’ and to make it stop just say, ‘Amen.’”

With that, the old pastor left.

Excited to get started, the young man said, “Hallelujah!” The horse’s trot was steady, but he wanted to go faster, “PRAISE THE LORD!!!!”

The horse ran fast, and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster until the young man spotted that they were going to run off a cliff.

Because he was so terrified, he forgot all the commands and just went to praying, “Lord. Please... save me! AMEN!”

The horse stopped, merely inches away from the edge of the cliff.

Filled with thankfulness and relief the man threw up his arms and shouted, “Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!”

***

I asked the children in my Sunday School class, “If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?”

“No!”

Then I said, “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?”

Again the answer was, “No!”

“Well,” I continued. “Then how can I get to heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted, “You gotta be dead!”

***

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about the solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was, not surprisingly, a huge failure.

Because:In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And,
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

***

Okay, I really gotta stop putting this type of stuff up.

6:53 pm;
Still waiting for you-