The Lovesong Writer

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were on a camping trip. As they lay down to sleep, Holmes looked up at the starry night and said, "Watson... tell me what you see."

Watson also looked into the sky and said, "I see thousands and thousands of stars."

"And what does it tell you," Sherlock wanted to know.

His response was a long, logical one, "Well... Astronomically, it tells me that there are billions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow... what does it tell you?"

"Watson you idiot!" Holmes shouted. "Somebody stole our tent!!"

***

A transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US navy ship and Canadian authorities of the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Us Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees South to avoid collision.

CND (Canadian) reply: Recommend you diver you course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Us ship: This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, diver your course.

CND reply: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Us ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US CORAL SEA, WE ARE A VERY LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse, your call.

***

Jack had a near-death experience that changed his life forever. One day, Jack went horseback riding. Everything was going fine, until the horse started bouncing out of control. Jack tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when he thought things could not possibly get any worse, his foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, he fell head first into the ground. His head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope and losing all consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

***

Three nuns were sitting at a football game.

Three men were sitting behind them, but since it was hard for them to see with people in front, they decided to badger the nuns into leaving.

The first guy said, “I’m moving to Idaho.... I hear there are only 50 Catholics living there.”

The second guy said, “No. No. No. I’M moving to Montana... I hear there are only 30 Catholics living there.”

The third guy said, “Well, I’m moving to New Jersey... really there are only 10 Catholics there!”

On of the nuns turned around and said, “Why don’t you go to hell?”

A second nun turned around and said, “Yah!”

The third nun turned around and said, “Don’t worry. There are no Catholics there!”

***

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Nytol Sleeping Aid: “Warning. May cause drowsiness.” One would only hope.

On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” As opposed to what?

On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” I gotta admit, I’m curious.

***

Okay. I think I blogged enough lame jokes for now. LOL.

6:33 pm;
Still waiting for you-